We recently received a request from a reader who asked us to talk about the separated or divorced father who may see his children every other week but who still wants to preserve the relationships and be an effective dad. In working on an answer that might be helpful, we asked a couple of long-distance dads just how they navigate that rugged terrain.
Be consistent with
discipline
Always be consistent with expectations and discipline, emphasized one dad who sees his young daughter every other weekend. “Sometimes I find myself in a tug of war with her mother about discipline,” he says. “But it doesn't matter if I'm not my daughter's favorite parent that day. I won't give in to that. Discipline is important.”
Create structure and stability
Children, young or older, need structure, the dads agreed. They make every effort to see their children on a regular timetable so that their sons and daughters have that stability in their lives.
“If I go two or three weeks without seeing my daughter, it breaks my heart. I call her as much as I can and talk for as long as I can.” This dad adds that he tries to establish and stick to a calling schedule so that his child can depend on and anticipate that regularity.
Preserve a sense
of unity
One dad said when he visits his children, he sometimes tries to arrange an outing to a park where he, his ex-wife and children can go and be as much of a family as possible. He admits that it's sometimes not easy. For the sake of the kids, however, “we try to act as a family unit where my daughter can see us together.”
It takes a mature and loving mom to turn on the speaker phone and let her ex-spouse read a story to his child at bedtime. What a beautiful gesture!
Ask grandpa to
mediate
It is vital, these dads point out, to be patient and never lose your temper. When estranged parents are together, they are modeling behavior that the children see and hear. The adults … must be adults. Some disagreements, however, may require a third party. One dad says what worked for him when he and mom needed a mediator was his own dad-a good role for an impartial grandfather.
I'll be back because I'm your guy
“When I leave, I always reassure my child that I'll be back,” one dad points out. This reinforces consistency and continuity, two important factors in a child's life.
That same dad concluded with this advice, which we will leave for the reader to interpret.
“One thing I was told about a year ago by a very wise person was 'to be that guy' every day to your child, to your ex-wife, to everyone. “Just work hard to be that guy.”
Contact Tom Tozer of Smithville or Bill Black of Murfreesboro at dads2dads@comcast.net