There are times when I hear from the Lord so clearly with a thought or idea; it is if I can almost audibly hear is voice. Then there are times I strain to hear from Him, wondering if He will speak to me again. And it seems in this past month, I couldn't hear at all. It is very easy for someone who hears of another's diagnosis to say, “I'll be praying for you.” But when you're on the end of the dark diagnosis, your mind seems to go into limbo. This past month I was faced with a 50/50 chance of The Big “C” diagnosis. I admit I couldn't think; I couldn't pray; I could do nothing. I knew God was with me, but the only thing I could pray was, “Lord, Your will be done.”
It was a surreal experience, wondering if there was a disease attacking my body in secret. While I knew people were praying for me and my husband, all I could think was, “Lord, if this is Your will for me, I know You will turn it for my good. I know it will be for a purpose, whether it is to witness to someone who might not otherwise hear from You, or for a cure that will be to Your Glory.” That was the only thing I could think. And I know He would have turned it for good, because He promises us this in Romans 8:28. “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose.” In fact, that verse is a constant comfort to me no matter what is going on in my life. And yet, I couldn't think beyond that. I knew in my heart everything would be ok. He would either carry me through it, or I would get to go home.
However, I longed to hear a word from God Himself. I knew I wasn't alone, but I felt alone in the midst of a dark sea, not knowing which direction the winds would take me. It was a storm in my life where the wind howled and the thunder rolled so ferociously, I couldn't hear anything else. There were times I found myself empty; void of any words to write or speak to glorify Jesus or share His love. Indeed, January was so stressful and filled with unanswerable questions, I could hear nothing. While I had peace, it was as if time for me stopped and nothing mattered but each day. It wasn't the fact that I could be facing cancer that had turned my world upside down; I knew I could get through it with Jesus by my side. However, not knowing if you're facing cancer or anything else is the worst possible feeling in the world. I didn't know what to think; how to act; or even what to plan for. The only thing I knew for sure is that it would be God's will and something wonderful would come from it.
We all find ourselves in the same limbo from time to time. We don't know what to do for a loved one fighting addiction or facing illness. We don't know what to even pray to help the situation, but we do know we are the children of the Living God. We must trust in His goodness, mercy, and love and hold on to that with all our might. If we can't hold on to Jesus, we have no hope and we stay in the midst of the darkness.